My latest post was an emotionally charged post. I was in the depths of my darkness and when I am there, it pushes me into a really fucked way of thinking. I truly just don’t want to be here. Death is honestly far from where I want to be. The current situation or series of events has just become so overwhelming that I lose my sane way of thinking and I just need an escape. I drank liquor, smoked weed, and still I felt as though the walls of my life were closing in on me. My own weakness and the fragility of my mental health knocked me clean off my feet and I felt like I was dangling over a chasm of negativity and isolation. I’ve spoken on Anger before and how it is one of my most potent emotions that I feel. It transforms me into an almost different individual; an alter ego of sorts. And I hate it. I hate how if makes me feel (physically, emotionally). I hate how it makes others around me feel. It makes me feel like a burden that should not be here. I feel un-healable, like my anger will never be fully liberated from me and the destruction it brings my life will continue.
I say all of this to also explain that I in no way, shape, or form do anything I do for attention. I don’t do this so that the spotlight can be on me for any reason. I am a naturally introverted person so I hate attention. I hate attention seeking people. What my episode really was was a cry out for help. I outcry of the therapy and help that I still require to be a better version of myself. Mental health issues can be very ostracizing. Everyone will judge you no matter what they say and the stigma that follows you for your issues can be very demoralizing. I have no motive to seek attention. I need help. I know that wholeheartedly and I don’t care how anyone wants to take that. Suicidal ideation (Passive) is a real big problem I’ve encountered on my journey, as just thinking everyone’s lives you’ve upheaved with your issues would be better without you is disgustingly reassuring during certain episodes. When you think, say, or do things that you know were out of hand, the remorse backlash is nothing short of debilitating. Nevertheless, I have never thought of ways to kill myself, never imagined my dead body, nor have I ever attempted suicide. We think that when people go online saying they want to “end it all” that they are seeking attention or want people to feel sorry for them. What they want is for someone to hear them out, and I mean really hear them out. They want someone to rationalize their continued existence. And to be blunt, some do want someone to talk them out of doing the deed if they truly are at rock bottom.
I titled this post Cry Wolf because it may seem like people who don’t know what to do but post their struggle publicly are doing it when there is no true danger. You just never know with these situations. People feel ashamed to ask for help. Some feel there is not enough help in the world to save them. Some just don’t know the avenues of help. I know I don’t want to be judged for my actions but I am anyway. And it sucks knowing that. Nevertheless, I am alive and I am grateful to those that had something positive to say about what I was going through without shining the light of judgement on me. That’s what a lot of people need. A lot of people just need someone to validate their existence in this world when they feel there is no reason left to be here. Or rather they feel as if there is no reason left. We are not crying wolf, the wolf is low self esteem. The wolf is depression. The wolf is declining mental health.