Final thoughts

For the 10 people that read these posts, thanks for the time. I really wanted to be a difference in this world and use myself as a martyr for those afraid to voice their struggle with mental help. Unfortunately I am not qualified to continue to do this and my own mental health has finally shattered to pieces and I’ve lost the will to continue. I have lost my battle. I’m tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. I’m tired of the rumination. The intrusive thoughts. The highs and lows of depression. All the negativity in the world. I can’t handle my issues anymore and I’ve tried therapy. I’ve tried all of the things I’ve told you all to do and I’ve reread all of my posts and realized that I was trying to tell myself what to do knowing I was slowly losing the battle myself. I can’t even say I’m tired anymore I’m just weary and I’ve had more than enough of all of this shit. Im weak and I probably always was. My sons don’t need a weak father like me. Men have become expendable, so I’ll be replaced within the week anyway so I can rest in peace knowing they’ll have someone better in their lives. Im tired of feeling like I’ve made progress just to be knocked right back down into uncertainty. I’ve said it so many times but this mental health shit is hard. It was too hard for me. Medication, therapy, counseling. Nothing worked for me and I just don’t have it in me to continue. Yes I’m selfish for leaving my children. Yes I might burn in hell. Yes I am a hypocrite telling others not to give up when I already have. I’ve read all the stories of my brothers who have taken this same road and I’ve come to have an understanding of what they did and why. By the time you get this far I should be gone and that’s probably for the best. The hatred in my soul for life has produced a blaze that has burned away any real feelings I’ve had towards living. Day in day out it’s just constant struggle and stress just to keep my head on my shoulders. This is my final gift to the world. I can die a martyr. Call your loved ones. Let them know you love them no matter what. Stop them from taking this path. Tomorrow is not promised so don’t let today’s misunderstanding ruin tomorrow’s happiness. Mental health is important and until bodies start littering the streets I fear society won’t really care. I tried with my soul to be a good man but I was fighting a losing battle and I knew it. I just thought I had more time to figure things out.

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