Mental health awareness wasn’t always on the forefront of my mind. There was a time in my life where I was totally against “getting help” and I thought that I could overcome my issues on my own through various illogical means. I tried to wish away the anger. I tried false bravado in the face of my anxiety. I tried faking it to make it in terms of my depression. I don’t have to tell you that NONE of this worked at all. I needed to go beyond my pride as a man in order to talk to someone in order to get to the root of what my true issue was. All I was doing was placating myself until another trigger came along to ignite my problems once again. It wasn’t until a VERY life changing moment took place that I finally took the steps necessary to start therapy.
My issues basically boil down to anxiety brought up from my childhood that has had a profound effect on my life as an adult. Not to get into too much detail, but my childhood wasn’t exactly normal and my mother had some narcissistic tendencies that always had me on edge. This translated to me using anger to defend myself whenever my anxiety went overboard. This would then lead to depression as remorse set in due to my actions. This happened far too many times in my adult life and while I was fully aware I was acting inappropriately, my inaction in getting proper help just dug me deeper and deeper into shame. The cycle of emotions kept on going and going with no end in sight. I wasn’t making steps to improve my mental fortitude. Relationships faltered, and my outlook on life became very bleak.
That’s when I decided to dive into therapy. Speaking to a therapist and being completely open about everything that went on in my life really helped shed light on where my emotions come from. Just being able to get a grasp on what was causing my outrageous outbursts and learning that the cause was deeper than I realized was a very eye opening experience. As an adult, I didn’t really grasp that the ways we respond to different stimuli can have roots in our childhood. The way we were raised, the temperament of our caretakers, whatever we may have went through, all these things can have a profound effect on our psyche and we become these confused and misunderstood adults who lack awareness in regards to our mental stability. This is not a death sentence, and you are not “set in your ways”. Sometimes people will try to label someone as a certain type of person, yet no one, not even the person, knows exactly why they are that type of person. It could be an angry, shy, bossy, evil, and/or vindictive person. Different life experiences can mold people and they may not even realize it until they are “set in their ways”. That’s the way I lived my life for far too long.
My anger was out of control for years. I broke objects, damaged property, damaged hearts, and most of all lost the respect of many people I cherish due to not getting a hold of myself sooner. But in terms of oneself and your future aspirations, it is never too late to start to get a handle on what makes you tick in order to make it tick stronger without distraction. My issues are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the issues we may all be going through. I just wanted to expose myself so that others can know that there are other people out there punching walls messing up their hands. There are other people who scream their souls out. There are other people who say things in outrage they don’t mean. None of these things make you an inherently bad person. Just someone who may need to take extra steps in order to evolve.